i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
