The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
