Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
