So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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