thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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