mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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