you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
