Betty ford says i'm here all night
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
