Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
