I CAN MOONWALK!
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
