its not stalking. its research.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
