is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
