please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
