Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
