I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
