if we break up, who will get the dealer?
What a dumb baby whore.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
