I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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