I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My first STD was from a foam party
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
