I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
