Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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