After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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