And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
