Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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