u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sext me about skeletons
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
