I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
