Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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