Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
