guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
