so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
