Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
