remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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