I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
