allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
