im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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