I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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