Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
