I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
