Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Semen is not good for contacts.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
did i just pee glitter
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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