those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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