He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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