I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
