First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
