So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
