Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
