walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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