my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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