We're facebook friends in real life
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
