I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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