she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
