Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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